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Santa Claus Doppelgänger Arrested on Cocaine Charges

Fidel Gonzalez Gutierrez
Monroe County Sheriff’s Office

Ho, ho, ho meets blow blow blow.

A man who looks extraordinarily like Santa Claus was arrested on several cocaine-related charges Tuesday.

Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes upon Fidel Gonzalez Gutierrez, 58, of Marathon, Fla. Authorities say he is a fisherman, but the six counts of selling cocaine indicate the lines he’s concerned with have nothing to do with attaching bait to them.

It looks like times are tough for jolly Saint Nick. He’s had to take a second job to make ends meet. Guess all that seasonal work doesn’t pay the bills for the whole year.

Santa and drugs is an odd combination, right? It’s like the Tooth Fairy being strung out on molly — an image that makes no sense, but one that has tickled our funny bone:

  • You’d think if Santa was into cocaine he’d be skinnier.
  • Authorities will raid the North Pole to find out the elves’ workshop is actually a meth lab.
  • Rudolph’s nose is red from bleeding after testing all the product.
  • Police have reason to believe he stashed his drugs in every single chimney in every single home around the world.
  • It’s not surprising Santa works in the winter. He loves snow.
  • Don’t be surprised if this news means there’s going to be a travel ban on the North Pole.
  • Instead of cookies and milk, perhaps you ought to leave him a rolled up dollar bill.

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